another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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