Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
