I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
