Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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