he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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