He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
