omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
