I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
