Buhtt sex?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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