mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
