I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
sex in a hospital.. check
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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