Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
