I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Farmville is her only friend.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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