His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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