Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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