Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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