youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
