i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
