Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
