god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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