I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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