Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
