I think I just saw someone hide a body.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish life had little blips of pornography
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
