i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
this is an emotional support booty call
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
