Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
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Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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