I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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