dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
