My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
