u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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