Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
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You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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