I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
