She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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