I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
