Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
40s are totally the cure
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
