I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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