I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
