I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
