Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
