Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
