I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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