you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
false alarm. still invincible.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It's never too late to be topless.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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