Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
