Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
