Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Sext me about skeletons
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
