You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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