I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
