well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
