He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
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When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
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I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!