I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
