I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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