wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
