I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
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The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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